Saturday, 7 May 2016

A bit of waffling about my mother....

Yesterday I felt like the world was against me...I felt sad and I didn't know why....I felt angry and I just assumed it was because I had such a strange dream which I tweeted about yesterday morning....I found it so funny that I woke up angry....I'm sure I had been swearing in my sleep...lol


Dreams are strange things....This was never going to happen. I don't think I've ever spoken to our next door neighbour. She is an old woman. I'd say 85 or 90 years old. She keeps her self to her self and we do too....

I'm just waffling but that dream set me up for the day....I was in a foul mood and put it down to the dream....

Yesterday I couldn't concentrate....I was flitting from one thing to another not really getting anything done...I thought I was just having one of those days...


Then at about eleven o'clock last night I realised that it was the 6th of May....My mothers birthday. Don't feel sad....She isn't dead. I won't say unfortunately, I wouldn't wish death on anyone....I just don't speak to her.

I blogged about the fact I don't have a mother.....Well I do but I don't have any contact with her....The gist of it was my mother met a man online and the day she actually met him she left my dad and took their life savings! Her and her new man tried to cause a lot of trouble for me and I was made to choose between her and my dad.....I choose my dad. It was a no brainer.....I didn't trust her new man and I had good reason not to.

Over the years she has tried to get in touch but on the condition that I don't mention her husbands crimes....Last year I noticed she had she was on Twitter.....Yes I still Google her name every now and again to see what she's up to and what I find is not always good...

I haven't spoke to her in person in at least 12 years.....The last email I had was when Ellie was a baby so that is at least 7 years ago.....

Why does it bother me so much? I have my dad, Sarah my dads girlfriend who is amazing, my Aunty Jean and other family....

I don't miss her but at the same time I do. It's confusing. hahaha! My Word of the Week was Confusion.....This has just added to it.....

I don't want a relationship with my mother at all....She has burned too many bridges. What confuses me is why after so many years do I still feel like this....Why do I care enough about her birthday that it puts me in a mood.....I couldn't give two hoots that it is her birthday.....I'm not going to say Happy Birthday to her....Even if I knew her phone number I wouldn't....

Sorry for waffling on.....It was one of those things that I just wanted to get out.....Normal service will be resumed later for my Project 366 post....

15 comments :

  1. Oh Kim, I didn't know any of your story with your mum. It goes without saying that it's her loss and she sounds like a very silly woman to have walked away from Her children like that, it's so unnatural isn't it? But I'm not surprised that things like her birthday leave you feeling strange and that you feel confused about things - you've been put in a really unnatural situation by her and it's bound to stir up emotions every now and then. Hope you're ok xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I does seem unnatural....I couldn't imagine walking away from my children. Especially not for a man. I'm OK. Yesterday just threw me a bit. Thank you x

      Delete
  2. Wow I had no idea. What an awful thing to do. But I can totally understand why you still Google and still wonder about her - regardless she still was "your mother" despite not being worthy of the title. curiosity is a weird thing isn't it? xxxxxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Curiosity certainly is a weird thing...
      Thank you x

      Delete
  3. I had no idea about this - I am sorry that you have had to face disappointment and downright craziness from a parent - I sadly know how that feels but with my father I sometimes get cross and sad about it but then I wonder if I am feeling sad about the fact that I don't have the father I should have had - so I am not sad about the relationship with him but the fact that I should have had a biological father who was better? I am waffling now! I hope you are feeling better today

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Rubbish parents do strange things to us...It just makes us waffle. lol
      I am feeling better. Thank you!

      Delete
  4. Nature is a strange thing sometimes - I think even when the people who should care most about us do things like this that break down that relationship, that connection is hard to sever entirely and some of it still lingers. No wonder the day left you feeling out of sorts and confused. Hope that things have improved over the weekend and sending a virtual hug x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! I am feeling much better now..

      Delete
  5. Mothers can be strange creatures all we can do is live and learn and vow to be better at it and your children will love you no matter what x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They can be...
      I have vowed to be the best mother I can.

      Delete
  6. Even though you don't talk she still is your mum and you still must have feelings for her, bad or good they are still feelings.

    That's probably why you feel so odd around her birthday.

    I've never understood how some mothers can leave their babies. it is so unnatural.

    High five to your dad.
    I'm glad he's found someone worthy of him.
    Xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes! There are feelings there...Good memories but resentment and bad feelings. Ugh!
      It does feel unnatural.
      My dad is awesome and he has found love again. She is a lovely lady x

      Delete
  7. Sorry to hear this Kim. It's sad when we are let down by our very own parents isn't it? They say you only have one mom, but unfortunately the people that say this don't consider individuals situations and what has gone on. It was my moms birthday march, it's the first birthday i've ever missed. I haven't spoken to her for around 8 months now. Families hey! We just enjoy our little family and let the others get on with their bitter life. Sending big hugs xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So sorry about the issues with your mum. Families are strange things. Sending hugs to you too!
      Thank you!

      Delete
  8. I think, sometimes, when a parent let's us down we are left with the question WHY? I didn't speak to my own father for many years, mostly down to the women he left my mother for. He's with someone else now, I'm not sure ifs he's changed, or just got old, or maybe she changed him when no one else could. If this is the only day it bothers you, do something next year, spoil you and your family in some way. It'll remind you how you are not like her, AT ALL xx

    ReplyDelete